I’m fighting myself. Trying to outdo myself. I’m wrestling with my own reflection, evaluating my worth based on remits beyond my control. Internal demons shouting down my accomplishments. Washing in the negativity, scrubbing it into my scalp, so regardless of compliments, I’m always digging into a hellscape beyond any help.
I’ve just Googled my name. I strongly recommend you don’t do this for several reasons; firstly, there’s a chance you share your name with someone more attractive and successful than you; secondly, you might have an existential crisis realising we’re all, as a species, more identikit than we’d like to imagine. Your name combination, an identity you thought unique to your existence, spread throughout the world like dimensional clones. What if life’s true meaning isn’t pleasing a God, or leaving a legacy, but a fierce battle royale against same-named brethren? A fight to become the last Adam Starkey standing as the closing circle squeezes the light from your eyes?
Unfortunately for me, Googling my name has opened up all of the above. The biggest kicker, as well as being more attractive, photogenic and better-dressed, is one of my name-sharing compatriots has higher Google authority. He’s top of the charts. The click-sucking survivor hoovering up SEO attention. I’m not even top on fucking Bing.
This other Adam Starkey is a model and actor. I’m homosexual, so I’d happily accept his application for wank-bank rotation. What happens if you shag someone with the same name? Is that incest by extension? Would the secrets of the universe unlock? This man not only has my attention, he’s triggered my taboo-breaking curiosity. Fuck him. And his abs. Fuck it all to hell.
He isn’t the only clone I’m sharing this patch of land with. There’s Adam Starkey, futurist speaker. He looks smart, wise and statesmanlike. The version of myself who actually took advantage of his history degree. I’m often tagged on Twitter by people who believe I’m this person (he doesn’t need to engage in the trivial warfare of social media). I’ve corrected them before but now I’m content suckling at the notification serotonin. This is an AS people want to hear from! The likes! The respect! I can taste it!
My final discovery is arguably the ultimate Adam Starkey. A YouTube search led my gaze to a video from The White Collar Fight Club in 2018, where a muscled Adam Starkey takes on his fellow man in the boxing ring. There’s no other trace of this man on the internet, so this recording is a byproduct of coincidental collision with a camera. How many other Adam Starkey’s are out there? How many rivals do I have in this game of life?
There’s a moral here somewhere about the hopeless and pointless endeavour of comparing yourself to others online without knowledge of their tangible reality. A chase which can drive you into despair through an illusion of success. You can find it yourself though, I’m busy eye-fucking Adam Starkey’s until my verification tick turns blue.
StarkTreatment 