Alright Doomsday cults, you win. After centuries of mockery as negative nincompoops, 2020 was a disconcerting ride through your fantasy. A virus swept Earth, made world leaders look like fools, and the flow of humanity was disrupted with tragic, maddening consequences. 

As a study into human behaviour, 2020 has been the greatest series of The Circle yet. The highlight reel? An opening scrap over bog roll, cabin fever delirium peppered with Tiger King, absurd hatred for 5G towers, the ballooning distrust of professional opinion for some bloke on Facebook, before a final act of existential crisis mid-Zoom quiz. 

To some degree, it’s a difficult year to make light of — like laughing at spinning blades jutting into the mush behind your eyes. On a personal level though, it’s been a year of recalibration. Somewhere along the way, my self worth became wrapped entirely around my career – which, looking back, now feels like an escape from the emotional baggage clogging the metaphorical hallway. I thought I was fine but the lockdown pressure cooker made stumbling a repeat occurrence, firing my emotions into every corner like a whirring Catherine wheel trapped inside a dustbin. 

This bubbled into addressing things about myself I’d always needed to. I told someone I was in love with them (didn’t go to plan but with six months of hindsight, it’s certified hilarious). A few days later, I told my mum I’m a passionate advocate for dick. I’d recommend coming out as gay during a pandemic, where survival shoots up in priority over the swing of your genitals. It resulted in the perfect anticlimax, where my declaration was acknowledged and brushed off with little surprise, before attention swung back to Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. 

The build-up to this moment however has been turbulent. I’ve cried in pubs, stairwells of clubs, and generally struggled to view myself differently over many years. It sounds dramatic when, on the surface, you just want to shag men – but something I admittedly started to enjoy as a dirty little secret hits different when facing other people’s perceptions. The western world is far kinder to gay people than it’s ever been, but it’s still a weird feeling knowing if I decided to snog someone in Nigeria, for example, I could be thrown in prison for ten years. 

The potential for hostility is something I’ve been naive to within London. On dates, I’ve shown small public displays of affection and received hesitant knock backs, not because they find me repulsive (!!!), but through fears of being attacked or heckled. After being in straight relationships where you don’t think twice about it, it’s a disheartening learning curve realising it’s perhaps only a matter of time before I encounter twat blowback for holding hands in the street.

This, of course, won’t be news to many. The fact these changes happen after accepting a small aspect of yourself however blows my mind. The only difference between the person I was and am now is my open preference for penis. Where’s the punishment for openly liking Dancing on Ice? Keeping Chris Brown’s career afloat? Or accepting FaceTime calls on the bus? This society is whack. 

There’s still some areas I’m getting a handle on. My feelings around LGBT culture generally is one of them, mainly how much I want my sexuality to be intrinsic to my identity. Do I have a greater responsibility to report on stories around gay culture? Should I ‘stan’ things? Can’t I just give great blowjobs, listen to Charli XCX and leave it at that? 

A worry for another time. For now, aged 29, I’m more comfortable, confident and happy than I’ve ever been. I’ve acquired a boyfriend mid-pandemic too (who bought the triumphant Alex Turner Christmas card above). I’m starting to think world panic and disarray does wonders for my horny productivity. As far as super villain origin stories go, it’s no Doctor Octopus – but I’m hopeful for sympathy when I rain down meteors for a fuck’s sake.

It’d be dickish to suggest there’s some moral in the happiness I’ve found within such a terrible year. An unfortunate circumstance which accelerated my eventual trajectory sounds more accurate. Yet I’m weirdly grateful towards 2020’s upheaval for pushing my emotions into overdrive – making my time on this planet infinitely more enjoyable moving forward.

Outside of personal cornerstones, it’s been a great year for art consumption. Greater mood swings have, in hindsight, made my obsessions feel like isolated windows into my, then, state of mind. The Last Of Us Part 2 was an endurance test through bleak spectacle when I needed to be punched in the face, Paper Mario: The Origami King a breezy relief from social media, while Hades became an after dark addiction with tight gameplay loops and sexy Greek gods. 

It was pop music however which provided the greatest transport. Jessie Ware, Dua Lipa, Roisin Murphy, Rina Sawayama, Charli XCX, Taylor Swift, The Killers, Gorillaz all elevated my existence to a plain beyond bedroom walls. There was also an evening where Steps – Something In Your Eyes was on repeat for three hours — a blast of candy optimism repackaged and released (it’s a cover of a failed 2011 Eurovision contender from Sweden) that’s like a mental vaccination from another planet.

As 2021 already feels like a blurry extension of ongoing fatigue, customary end of year lists seem slightly more useful than the average. So here’s what I’ve consumed, remembered and clung to throughout this past year – simultaneously the gayest and darkest of my existence so far. 

TOP 10 EXTRAVAGANZA

Games!

1. Hades
2. The Last Of Us Part 2
3. Kentucky Route Zero
4. Ori and the Will of the Wisps
5. Spider-Man: Miles Morales
6. Astro’s Playroom
7. Paper Mario: The Origami King
8. Doom Eternal
9. Streets of Rage 4
10. Call of Duty: Warzone

Albums!

1. Jessie Ware – What’s Your Pleasure?
2. Roisin Murphy – Roisin Machine
3. Gorillaz – Song Machine
4. Rina Sawayama – SAWAYAMA
5. The Killers – Imploding The Mirage
6. Charli XCX – How I’m feeling now
7. Dua Lipa – Future Nostalgia
8. The Cribs – Night Network
9. Taylor Swift – folklore
10. DUCKWRTH – SuperGood

TV shows!

1. I May Destroy You
2. The Queen’s Gambit
3. BoJack Horseman S6
4. The Last Dance
5. Devs
6. The Crown S4
7. Euphoria Special: Trouble Don’t Last Always
8. The Boys S2
9. Sex Education S2
10. Castlevania S3